Not Where I Thought I Would Be
People have asked me. “If you could go back and change something in your life, would you?” My answer has always been, “No, I wouldn’t.” I know I haven’t always made the best decisions in my life, but I’ve learned from all the experiances and they have made me the person I am today. I’ve always said I like the person I am; I’m happy with myself. I also believe that if I were to go back and change one of my actions, not only would it change my life, it would change the lives of those around me. And who knows if things would really get better.
But lately i’ve been wondering. . . I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I remember when I was younger, sometime in grade school, I think, I made a plan for my life. I was going to graduate high school, spend 4 years in college, graduate, get a job, get married and have kids. I’m now 27 years old. When i made my plan i figured by this point in my life i would be married with a family and a job. Do I have that? No.
I didn’t really follow my plan. After high school I took a year and a half off. I lived at home and worked. Then I started college. College did not take 4 years, instead it took 6 and a half years. Now, this I wouldn’t change. I knew I needed to take some time off after high school, and I’m glad I spent so much time in college. I really enjoyed college. I took classes I didn’t need to take. I learned a lot. I made life long friends.
And then I graduated. Since then my life has not been what I expected or thought it would be. I did find a job after graduating. But it was not the right job for me. It was in education, but it wasn’t in my exact field. Shortly after starting the job i came to realize that I was not in my comfort zone for a variety of reasons. And so, I no longer have that job. Ultimately, I know this is for the best, and yet. . .
And yet I have become someone I am not sure of. I remember I used to be a very confident, secure, independent person. Now, simply put, I’m not sure of myself. I don’t feel confident. I worry that people, even those i know are my friends, won’t like me. I’m scared that I’m letting people down. I find myself clinging to the familiar just a little too much instead of enjoying life. I don’t really like the person I am right now. I don’t feel comfortable in my skin, in my life.
People ask me how I’m doing and most of the time i give the answer they want to hear. I don’t tell them all of this. I put on my happy face and pretend that everything is just fine. And really, it’s not. I have a part time job, the one I had before I graduate, but it’s not enough to make ends meet. I’m looking for other jobs. I’ve even had interviews, but so far, nothing has really come out of it. I know I’m going to have to move, and I’m fine with this, but I don’t know how I’m going to afford the move. I worry all the time.
I’m so scared that somewhere along the line I fucked things up. that I turned right when I should have turned left. That I had what I wanted, I had the life I dream of in my grasp, and instead of taking it, I threw it away. And I just don’t know how, or if, I can fix things. . .