Unsettled
I’m no longer living with Andy. I’m living in my own place. I unpacked my last box the other day and now all I have left is organizing a few things. That and purchasing all of the stuff I haven’t needed while living with room mates.
It’s nice to be in a place of my own, however I’m realizing just how much of a social person I am. I’m living half way between work and Point. This means that I have a 30min drive to hang out with anyone. This is not something that I really like. I miss being able to call up friends and go hang out at a moments notice. . . But, I’ll survive.
My job is another thing in my life that I will survive. I know that I am gaining lots of experiance to put on my resume, but I also know that I am not happy. This is not what I expected to be doing after graduating. Although I am teaching, I’m not really teaching in my feild. And I know that because I’m not really happy, I’m not giving my best. I’m trying, but I can tell it’s not just there. I’m just not all there. I wish I could be, I want to be able to give my best to these kids. They need it so much. I know that I’m working in a very needy community. And I know that even without giving it my all, I am doing a lot of good. And yet, I won’t stay here. This is not going to be the job I grow old in. I want something different; I want more.
I have always said that I would never go back and change anything in my life. I like the person I am today. If I went back and changed things, who knows what I would be like, what my life would be like. And yet, now for the 1st time in my life, I’m wishing I could go back and change things. I’m really struggling with this. I feel as if I’m letting myself down, that I’ve let others in my life down. And that’s not even all of it, but I don’t know how to put into words exactly how I’m feeling. I just know that it’s a constant underlying feeling and I don’t like it. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is not the end, this is the begining. There is a whole world out there for me to explore and discover. And I have plenty of time to do so. . .